Speaking as an 84 year old mother of four, grandmother of nine, great grandmother of seven, I would have to say that children are the reward of life. Because of my family, I know more about dinosaurs, astronomy, college life, nursing and medical issues, teaching problems, Broadway plays, etc. etc. etc. Your children, etc., have various interests as they grow and learn new things and if you have the ability to listen and pay attention, you will be exposed to so much more information and adventures than you would without them. Being an open minded, positive, adventurous person is the key. If you are a negative person, you should not have children, because you will be a negative parent, and that is not a good thing for the children. Find out what you are and act accordingly. Your children deserve the best you possible.
I absolutely love this comment. I have a 9 month old daughter and I’m so excited for the ways she (& future children… and grandchildren) will expand my world
why question age? A 79 year old and I wrote a grant for our town and we were given one million, seven hundred thousand to rennovate our 103 year old brick historical community center/library making it handicapped accessible with an elevator and five handicapped bathrooms. btw, at the time I was 83, just turned 84, not that it matters.
I do agree completely that there should be an age limit and term limits in Congress - instead of having so many old white men determining our future, there should be young men and women, but older people have time to get things done -- they just shouldn't be running the government. And I am not sure running our country should be a full time career. It tends to make people corrupt and unhappy, and they take their unhappiness out on everyone else. But young people are capable of doing that, also. btw, there is a lot of wonderful reading on substack.
I should have clarified my comment. I was impressed that an 84yr old is on Substack as my boomer dad can barely still figure out his laptop, or Facebook for that matter
A man sailing in a yacht on a calm sea with a favorable wind tells others being tossed by a hurricane in a small dinghy that the key to sailing is simply to have a positive attitude and enjoy the journey
You simply have no context about what it is like for some people dealing with health issues, both their own and their child's. Honestly not trying to be a troll, it's just a lot easier to deal with hard things when you're dealt a lucky hand. You didn't once acknowledge how much good fortune you have.
The norm is not good fortune, and did you read the post?
“Unless your kid has serious health issues, there is just nothing that challenging that warrants constant complaining, unless you’re the kind of person who is going to constantly complain about things anyway.”
That's the key. From my perspective, you have all the good fortune in the world and I would do anything to be in your shoes and not feel like I'm dying every day. If you don't think what you have is good fortune, then you should talk to more people worse off than you. That one throw-away comment basically says "having kids is easy, unless you or your kid is unlucky enough to be one of many who develop health problems and in that case it sucks to be you."
Nat this was so refreshing! You absolutely nailed it for me- the new rewards vastly outweigh the challenges, but also it doesn't really take much to do it. Very well said!
The sea is fine for most people and some people call the slightest breeze a typhoon. Be stronger, it’s embarrassing to be so feeble and so loud about it.
The mistake the author has made is thinking he can divide what is a notoriously diverse experience into “normal” and “serious health problems”, thus kidding himself into an age old anecdote <> data trap
This is the snarkiest little bitch baby comment I think I’ve ever read, and you should be ashamed as a “man” for leaving it.
Hear this, and never forget it: It’s okay for normal people in normal situations to celebrate normal milestones without pausing to acknowledge those in abnormal situations.
Are we clear?
Get your testosterone checked before you leave another Tik Tok-tier lib suburban housewife remark.
I’m so deeply happy for you. This is the experience I was hoping for. Yet mine has been the exact opposite. My daughter is a beautiful soul with a variety of complexities and disorders, and our life is harder than I ever imagined it could be. I’ve been able to genuinely enjoy only a small fraction of my time as a mother. In fact, I made the excruciating decision to sterilize myself because even though I want more children, I can barely manage the one I already have. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us to have another; in fact I don’t think I’d survive it. So perhaps instead of giving advice at all, we parents should just tell people that you never really know what you’re gonna get. And if you want children, and you’re ready to accept that your life might look any number of ways, then you should do it. Let’s stop telling people what to expect at all, because everyone has a different experience.
THIS. I agree wholeheartedly with this - advice is not universal. Perspectives and experiences are individual. What we should be doing is helping people make an informed decision about what's best for them, and spend some time thinking about all the scenarios in which you could be a parent, or not. I am sorry that life is so hard, given everything with your daughter. I am sure you love her and are an excellent parent, and it can be insanely difficult and exhausting - both things can true. I hope you can find moments of rest and joy amidst the chaos.
That sounds like a life with a LOT of resources. Flowers every week? Paying someone to groom your dogs? Presents for giving birth? Grocery orders?
I’m getting the idea you guys don’t have as many things to do for yourselves as I’ve always needed to do, which would account for your extra leisure and time to rest.
That’s great for you, but not the reality for most parents.
Nah, I just recognize something you don’t. You’re dismissive of the thought that some people can’t possibly spend $40 per month on flowers. You can afford Whole Foods!!! You are able to purchase time — and again, it’s nice you have the resources to do that.
But many families can’t. I have always had to do everything the cheapest possible way. I won’t spend extra having my groceries delivered, for example, because they charge a delivery fee as well as extra markup on each item. We do all our own home improvement and repair, lawn work, cleaning, pet care etc etc etc.
Your “this is so easy!” lands differently for those of us who didn’t have your resources.
I would love to have had more than two children, but I lacked time, energy and money.
No, you are quite mistaken. I spend nothing on Netflix, DoorDash or lottery tickets. Nor would I blow money on McDonald’s. A cell is a necessity, though. That you think we are dropping money on useless shit and think having little money is necessarily connected to poor decisions tells me you truly have no idea how a good proportion of Americans live.
Why are you being so defensive when other people are just engaging with your post? Not everyone finds parenting as easy as you do for various reasons, doubling down on why they’re wrong and you’re right just invalidates the whole point of the post.
I’m unsure why I’m being targeted with such aggressively pro natalist content on here at the moment, feels very reductive for a platform that’s supposed to be progressive.
I had the same thoughts. I read through this essay waiting to see the financial aspect addressed. I am happy to hear the author is able to be present with his wife to share in these moments with his kids. It’s also refreshing to read about someone that does feel fulfilled and content in their decision to have children. A lot of us don’t have that luxury. When both parents work and every spare penny goes to daycare and you literally can barely afford to work and have childcare, but you certainly can’t afford to not work and BE the childcare, having children becomes increasingly more difficult. It’s not something having the correct attitude can just fix for the majority of the population complaining of its difficulties. Keeping a good attitude and perspective on the joys of children becomes a battle when you are struggling to financially stay afloat.
in short though, I enjoyed reading through this piece. I just don’t think it accurately captures the general experience of most people who have kids, and who may make it out to be a difficult endeavor. I would not put toddler tantrums or sleep exhaustion even at the top of the list of why having children is exceedingly difficult in this day and age for most Americans.
Right? Every woman I know who doesn’t have kids said she would only do it if she could be the dad. “Man who will not spend the next 20 years pissing his pants when he sneezes says multiple births were way easier than expected! News at 11!”
I don’t have kids and wouldn’t do it if I could be the dad either, although obviously that would be infinitely easier. It’s not just the carrying and birthing, pretty much all of child rearing is gendered
As a mother of five in seven years, now two adults and three teens, I always felt this to be the case. I remember once commenting on an article where the author wrote about how he had two dogs instead of children and how they were so much better. "I have five children instead of dogs. I find they are much better at learning tricks, like speaking English, washing dishes, and doing differential calculus." The comments section didn't respond very well. You are quite right about all the whiney people.
I'm sorry but it sounds like you've had 3 very easy kids and you and Cosette have plenty of energy to keep up with everything they require. My wife and I have done hard things so we thought having a kid would be difficult but manageable. We couldn't have been more wrong. The birth process was long and traumatic, and we have been struggling so hard trying to raise this high maintenance kid for the past 2 years (with help) that it has been completely unsustainable for our mental and physical health. I've developed multiple health issues. My adrenals have tried to shut down every 6 months from burnout. We both have developed clinical depression from the relentless overwhelm. Whenever I'm not working, taking care of the fussy kid, cooking, or cleaning, I'm passed out asleep on the floor from exhaustion. It is a matter of survival for us each day, so we don't know how anyone does this, since we're young and fit with very healthy lifestyles. Consider yourself extremely lucky to have the life you do, because it's not like that for everyone.
My first son is 9.5 months old and this has been my experience exactly. I could have written each of these points with the same level of conviction but, like you felt, with only one child, who's not even quite walking, I don't feel like my perspective is "valid" yet. I'm hearing the similar echos of "just wait." It makes me so happy to see your perspective. It's something I feel so deeply and it makes me choked up to know what I'm not alone. You two seem like incredible parents. Perspective and attitude are everything. We're aiming at 2 under 2, and probably 3 under 4. Excited for the moments that look like chaos to others. Thanks Nat!
Just you wait...it gets so much better. Just wait till they can have conversations! Play board games, make up card games, enjoy learning your hobbies and doing them with you, take pride in making a meal or dessert for the family, engage in a secret Santa gift exchange with their siblings...I could go on and on. Don't get me wrong. Babies are amazing and precious and cuteness overload. And you miss that later. But man the kids get better as they get older too.
I can't wait! We have a nephew who's almost 3 so I've had a fun preview of what's to come. It's also amazing that my son is just beginning to age into a phase where the two of them can interact.
First off, thank you for writing this because we desperately need more “kids are great” content to battle the last decade and a half of people talking about how horrible they are. As a parent I say even when the situation is different (many people have a harder time than it sounds like you are having), it’s amazing and worth it, especially when you’re past the little kid stage.
Now I have to push back a little. I’ve seen a few pieces like this and they’re all written by fathers. As the biological carrier and birther of the kids, I had a wildly different experience from you. The logistics and care of a baby can range from easy to difficult based on the baby and your own personal constitution. But when you are biologically beholden to that baby via birth, breastfeeding, and insane hormones, it can hit different. This was the hardest period of my life, and cleaning up poop doesn’t even factor into it. I don’t want to get too personal about it here though. Suffice to say it’s not your experience.
A lot of moms manage to bask in the glow the baby and easily transition to motherhood/having additional babies but it’s not all of us. Our own personalities and how we react to pregnancy comes into it quite a bit. Chill people become chill parents, if everything goes well at least. And they are more likely to have chill kids, too! Neurotic people have kids, too, and they need to adjust to parenthood and adjust their personalities at the same time which is no easy feat.
Now I am going to say an annoying stereotype that I hate to admit has played out over and over in my at this point vast experience with little kids. When we are talking about kids under 4, girls tend to be easier than boys. Now, many kids don’t conform to this stereotype and babies are babies. It just doesn’t surprise me as much that you have 3 girls and can comfortably write this.
So, while this isn’t my experience I acknowledge that everyone has their own parenting journey and for some it’s amazing from the get-go and we need more stories about that! For those of you where it’s not like this - hang in there, it’s absolutely worth it even when it’s not easy.
New dad here—I was so worried about becoming a parent because of all the unsolicited negativity, but it’s brought a new depth to life that I do not think can be experienced by anything else.
I am lucky that a few friends had kids a year or two before us. I noticed that they never complained about it. So many people do.
It seems like complaining about parenthood is a weird cultural baseline, in the same way that answering, “Busy,” is when asked how you’re doing.
It feels clear to me that we are made to have children. I don’t know why you’d be a loud naysayer of it to others if you’re a parent, or why you’d keep telling new parents that the worst is around the corner. There is nothing profound in life that doesn’t require hard work. Anyway, in my opinion, it seems like anyone expecting just has a lot to look forward to. 🤷🏻♂️
The very worst thing about the era I grew up in is the negative attitude toward children and having a family. It's a real cultural sickness.
Either way, congratulations, and enjoy the ride. Our lives have been deeply enriched by the best random surprises and the most beautiful little moments ever since we've had them. There will be tough moments, but you're an adult, which means you can handle them.
Okay, interesting timing for me to read this. We have three also(4, 2, and 3 weeks). I agree having kids is the best thing ever. I think it’s incredibly hard and taxing especially when both parents are working but nothing is better. The adjustment from 2-3 has been incredibly smooth. I totally agree that attitude is so much of the journey.
I do have some resentment as I read, having not slept more than 90 mins straight for the last few weeks, mentally tapped and physically sore from breastfeeding on demand. And the iron man example sounded brutal, but my exhaustion wants me to be like… try childbirth 😂
Congrats on the third! Three girls is incredible!
I hope many more people experience the joy that is children!
My wife and I have talked about the endurance race vs childbirth comparison a bunch, she actually said she found doing a half marathon harder than birth (natural home birth too), but obviously experiences vary
Banger. Was just thinking the other day about how the terrible twos feels like a lie now. But not bold enough to write this because I still have one 😂. So thanks for writing it. Feel very similar.
Hah I’m overall positive about my two girls but having two sometimes really get on my nerve hahaha the fighting and complaining among themselves. But well it’s still very minor
Great article. I'm 79. I was terrified to have kids. My father was not a good role model or so it seemed those many years ago. I say seemed because my sister has 4 kids and they've turned out quite well. Anyway, I got married twice. Both wives had one child. The first I knew since she was 3. I figured that was good enough. Then 18 years ago my second wife's daughter had a baby boy. Thankfully she's let me be a part of his life. It's only been in this time that I've figured out that as long as I was able to love him and care for him that all of my fears of being a lousy father didn't mean anything. A major life regret that I didn't experience that joy you've written about. As someone said "Feel the fear...and do it anyway"
I relate to/agree with most of this as a new parent. I also know we’ve been extremely lucky though.
I would bet most parenting stress in the US comes from financial pressure (and the insane cost of childcare). Those are real issues. I think it’s a pretty different experience when you’re just trying to get by.
Not hating at all btw. Love the sentiment overall and agree we need more positive dialogue around parenting.
It’s WAY harder without money, as are most things. That’s exactly my point.
Nothing better than having kids — I’ve been writing about this for years — but it was very exhausting. If I haven’t been clear, it’s not so much hard because of the kids but because we make it so incredibly hard economically.
The part where you point out that to parents who 'get it' the complaining is more like telling someone a really funny story.... that's so true! As a mom of 2 under 2 boys, I remember telling my husband my success at capturing spit up, pee, and poop on the changing table in between multiple diapers at a 2 or 3 am change without getting the onesie dirty... someone without kids may view that as a horrifying tale, but for me it was a complete laugh.
This is great to see a dad happy to be a dad. That said, you can't possibly know what a woman's experience is -- particularly the physical aspects that last for years (especially with extended breastfeeding). And while it seems your wife is quite happy with the situation she's in, not all of us are so supported.
If indeed you are the "primary parent" for your toddlers, you also have the support of your wife. Many women are the primary parent with little to no support otherwise. Given we were hunter-gatherers for 95% of human history, we're wired for a village - in some cases having 10 adults for every 1 child, not 1-3+ kids per one mother, as often happens in modern families.
In my case, I had no support from family whatsoever - then experienced a massive betrayal that harmed my son, when pregnant with my second - so I had to cut contact. I had PTSD after my first birth, worsened after my second. I slept 3-5 hours per night, had multiple panic attacks a week (sometimes a day), handled childcare 24/7, and was shocked by how uninvolved my husband was, when he was the one pushing for kids to begin with. If I hadn't been overwhelmed with panic, and had a lifetime of social anxiety + people pleasing to overcome, sure I would have communicated more -- but I didn't have those skills at that time.
This isn't a bad attitude. This is a collection of crap that broke my nervous system, mind, and heart, making what I'd hoped would be a joyful time into a total nightmare. My oldest is 8 and I'm still recovering.
Yes, I learned many things - I now do research on the nervous system and know myself better than I ever have. I've slowly become able to communicate my needs better to my husband. I've made a handful of friends that occasionally do provide help.
And, being a mom with little support is still extremely hard.
Men can’t grasp the absolute hormonal and bodily anarchy that can happen to moms after giving birth. And certainly, many women can weather it well… but it’s not all of us. I had crippling anxiety after giving birth, which made everything hard, even when it could have been “easy.” I love being a parent and don’t want to scare anyone, especially because for most people this is temporary (hormones play a big role I think). But the reality when you are pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding the baby is just different.
Absolutely. If we lived in a culture that centered mothers and children, I'm sure most of us would have a much better time with it. It should ideally be a joyful time, for the benefit of everyone.
Speaking as an 84 year old mother of four, grandmother of nine, great grandmother of seven, I would have to say that children are the reward of life. Because of my family, I know more about dinosaurs, astronomy, college life, nursing and medical issues, teaching problems, Broadway plays, etc. etc. etc. Your children, etc., have various interests as they grow and learn new things and if you have the ability to listen and pay attention, you will be exposed to so much more information and adventures than you would without them. Being an open minded, positive, adventurous person is the key. If you are a negative person, you should not have children, because you will be a negative parent, and that is not a good thing for the children. Find out what you are and act accordingly. Your children deserve the best you possible.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing Marjenna, sounds like your life is incredibly full of love
I absolutely love this comment. I have a 9 month old daughter and I’m so excited for the ways she (& future children… and grandchildren) will expand my world
84 year old on Substack!?
why question age? A 79 year old and I wrote a grant for our town and we were given one million, seven hundred thousand to rennovate our 103 year old brick historical community center/library making it handicapped accessible with an elevator and five handicapped bathrooms. btw, at the time I was 83, just turned 84, not that it matters.
I do agree completely that there should be an age limit and term limits in Congress - instead of having so many old white men determining our future, there should be young men and women, but older people have time to get things done -- they just shouldn't be running the government. And I am not sure running our country should be a full time career. It tends to make people corrupt and unhappy, and they take their unhappiness out on everyone else. But young people are capable of doing that, also. btw, there is a lot of wonderful reading on substack.
Yes, there should be white men of all ages.
I should have clarified my comment. I was impressed that an 84yr old is on Substack as my boomer dad can barely still figure out his laptop, or Facebook for that matter
I don’t care what age congresscritters are so long as they have grandchildren.
Love this
A man sailing in a yacht on a calm sea with a favorable wind tells others being tossed by a hurricane in a small dinghy that the key to sailing is simply to have a positive attitude and enjoy the journey
Found a whiner
You simply have no context about what it is like for some people dealing with health issues, both their own and their child's. Honestly not trying to be a troll, it's just a lot easier to deal with hard things when you're dealt a lucky hand. You didn't once acknowledge how much good fortune you have.
The norm is not good fortune, and did you read the post?
“Unless your kid has serious health issues, there is just nothing that challenging that warrants constant complaining, unless you’re the kind of person who is going to constantly complain about things anyway.”
That's the key. From my perspective, you have all the good fortune in the world and I would do anything to be in your shoes and not feel like I'm dying every day. If you don't think what you have is good fortune, then you should talk to more people worse off than you. That one throw-away comment basically says "having kids is easy, unless you or your kid is unlucky enough to be one of many who develop health problems and in that case it sucks to be you."
This is like saying no one should never drive anywhere because you got in a traffic accident.
I'm not sure how you interpreted that as "no one should ever have kids" but that's far from what my point was.
Ever
Nat this was so refreshing! You absolutely nailed it for me- the new rewards vastly outweigh the challenges, but also it doesn't really take much to do it. Very well said!
The sea is fine for most people and some people call the slightest breeze a typhoon. Be stronger, it’s embarrassing to be so feeble and so loud about it.
The mistake the author has made is thinking he can divide what is a notoriously diverse experience into “normal” and “serious health problems”, thus kidding himself into an age old anecdote <> data trap
This is the snarkiest little bitch baby comment I think I’ve ever read, and you should be ashamed as a “man” for leaving it.
Hear this, and never forget it: It’s okay for normal people in normal situations to celebrate normal milestones without pausing to acknowledge those in abnormal situations.
Are we clear?
Get your testosterone checked before you leave another Tik Tok-tier lib suburban housewife remark.
I’m so deeply happy for you. This is the experience I was hoping for. Yet mine has been the exact opposite. My daughter is a beautiful soul with a variety of complexities and disorders, and our life is harder than I ever imagined it could be. I’ve been able to genuinely enjoy only a small fraction of my time as a mother. In fact, I made the excruciating decision to sterilize myself because even though I want more children, I can barely manage the one I already have. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us to have another; in fact I don’t think I’d survive it. So perhaps instead of giving advice at all, we parents should just tell people that you never really know what you’re gonna get. And if you want children, and you’re ready to accept that your life might look any number of ways, then you should do it. Let’s stop telling people what to expect at all, because everyone has a different experience.
THIS. I agree wholeheartedly with this - advice is not universal. Perspectives and experiences are individual. What we should be doing is helping people make an informed decision about what's best for them, and spend some time thinking about all the scenarios in which you could be a parent, or not. I am sorry that life is so hard, given everything with your daughter. I am sure you love her and are an excellent parent, and it can be insanely difficult and exhausting - both things can true. I hope you can find moments of rest and joy amidst the chaos.
Well said @roxy krawczyk!
You didn’t carry, birth or nurse them. Were you ever the primary caregiver?
Look, I LOVE babies. I love being a mom and grandmother. But if you think parenting is easy, I have some questions.
My wife’s thoughts on a similar question: https://x.com/cosetteeliason/status/1969077526749237740
That sounds like a life with a LOT of resources. Flowers every week? Paying someone to groom your dogs? Presents for giving birth? Grocery orders?
I’m getting the idea you guys don’t have as many things to do for yourselves as I’ve always needed to do, which would account for your extra leisure and time to rest.
That’s great for you, but not the reality for most parents.
Flowers are $10 at Whole Foods and grocery delivery comes out to $2.50 a week. These aren’t exactly huge expenses.
And it’s not as if we had it easy. Neither of us had a day of parental leave. No family in town.
My point about attitude stands, and you clearly have a bad one.
Nah, I just recognize something you don’t. You’re dismissive of the thought that some people can’t possibly spend $40 per month on flowers. You can afford Whole Foods!!! You are able to purchase time — and again, it’s nice you have the resources to do that.
But many families can’t. I have always had to do everything the cheapest possible way. I won’t spend extra having my groceries delivered, for example, because they charge a delivery fee as well as extra markup on each item. We do all our own home improvement and repair, lawn work, cleaning, pet care etc etc etc.
Your “this is so easy!” lands differently for those of us who didn’t have your resources.
I would love to have had more than two children, but I lacked time, energy and money.
People who can’t afford $40/month on flowers are somehow affording their cell phones, Netflix, door dash, lottery tickets, etc.
Anyone in America who doesn’t have $40/month to do with what they will is making bad decisions. It’s $15 to get a meal at McDonald’s.
No, you are quite mistaken. I spend nothing on Netflix, DoorDash or lottery tickets. Nor would I blow money on McDonald’s. A cell is a necessity, though. That you think we are dropping money on useless shit and think having little money is necessarily connected to poor decisions tells me you truly have no idea how a good proportion of Americans live.
Why are you being so defensive when other people are just engaging with your post? Not everyone finds parenting as easy as you do for various reasons, doubling down on why they’re wrong and you’re right just invalidates the whole point of the post.
I’m unsure why I’m being targeted with such aggressively pro natalist content on here at the moment, feels very reductive for a platform that’s supposed to be progressive.
Even before opened this article I knew you’d be that out of touch guy punching down in the comment section.
I had the same thoughts. I read through this essay waiting to see the financial aspect addressed. I am happy to hear the author is able to be present with his wife to share in these moments with his kids. It’s also refreshing to read about someone that does feel fulfilled and content in their decision to have children. A lot of us don’t have that luxury. When both parents work and every spare penny goes to daycare and you literally can barely afford to work and have childcare, but you certainly can’t afford to not work and BE the childcare, having children becomes increasingly more difficult. It’s not something having the correct attitude can just fix for the majority of the population complaining of its difficulties. Keeping a good attitude and perspective on the joys of children becomes a battle when you are struggling to financially stay afloat.
in short though, I enjoyed reading through this piece. I just don’t think it accurately captures the general experience of most people who have kids, and who may make it out to be a difficult endeavor. I would not put toddler tantrums or sleep exhaustion even at the top of the list of why having children is exceedingly difficult in this day and age for most Americans.
Right? Every woman I know who doesn’t have kids said she would only do it if she could be the dad. “Man who will not spend the next 20 years pissing his pants when he sneezes says multiple births were way easier than expected! News at 11!”
I don’t have kids and wouldn’t do it if I could be the dad either, although obviously that would be infinitely easier. It’s not just the carrying and birthing, pretty much all of child rearing is gendered
I loved doing it but it was hard as hell because the finances were crushing. The actual parenting was lovely.
100%:)
God forbid you do what you were made to do.
I was made to despise men like you.
Troll says what?
Yuck
As a mother of five in seven years, now two adults and three teens, I always felt this to be the case. I remember once commenting on an article where the author wrote about how he had two dogs instead of children and how they were so much better. "I have five children instead of dogs. I find they are much better at learning tricks, like speaking English, washing dishes, and doing differential calculus." The comments section didn't respond very well. You are quite right about all the whiney people.
An interesting article and an important point of view.
For me, having kids was harder and lonelier than I imagined. And more joyful and heart-expanding than I could possibly have imagined.
Adding to your caveats: having a child without "special needs" helps.
I'm sorry but it sounds like you've had 3 very easy kids and you and Cosette have plenty of energy to keep up with everything they require. My wife and I have done hard things so we thought having a kid would be difficult but manageable. We couldn't have been more wrong. The birth process was long and traumatic, and we have been struggling so hard trying to raise this high maintenance kid for the past 2 years (with help) that it has been completely unsustainable for our mental and physical health. I've developed multiple health issues. My adrenals have tried to shut down every 6 months from burnout. We both have developed clinical depression from the relentless overwhelm. Whenever I'm not working, taking care of the fussy kid, cooking, or cleaning, I'm passed out asleep on the floor from exhaustion. It is a matter of survival for us each day, so we don't know how anyone does this, since we're young and fit with very healthy lifestyles. Consider yourself extremely lucky to have the life you do, because it's not like that for everyone.
This sounds really tough. I hope that it gets easier for all of you.
My first son is 9.5 months old and this has been my experience exactly. I could have written each of these points with the same level of conviction but, like you felt, with only one child, who's not even quite walking, I don't feel like my perspective is "valid" yet. I'm hearing the similar echos of "just wait." It makes me so happy to see your perspective. It's something I feel so deeply and it makes me choked up to know what I'm not alone. You two seem like incredible parents. Perspective and attitude are everything. We're aiming at 2 under 2, and probably 3 under 4. Excited for the moments that look like chaos to others. Thanks Nat!
Just you wait...it gets so much better. Just wait till they can have conversations! Play board games, make up card games, enjoy learning your hobbies and doing them with you, take pride in making a meal or dessert for the family, engage in a secret Santa gift exchange with their siblings...I could go on and on. Don't get me wrong. Babies are amazing and precious and cuteness overload. And you miss that later. But man the kids get better as they get older too.
I can't wait! We have a nephew who's almost 3 so I've had a fun preview of what's to come. It's also amazing that my son is just beginning to age into a phase where the two of them can interact.
Take plenty of photos. It goes so fast it's almost unbelievable.
First off, thank you for writing this because we desperately need more “kids are great” content to battle the last decade and a half of people talking about how horrible they are. As a parent I say even when the situation is different (many people have a harder time than it sounds like you are having), it’s amazing and worth it, especially when you’re past the little kid stage.
Now I have to push back a little. I’ve seen a few pieces like this and they’re all written by fathers. As the biological carrier and birther of the kids, I had a wildly different experience from you. The logistics and care of a baby can range from easy to difficult based on the baby and your own personal constitution. But when you are biologically beholden to that baby via birth, breastfeeding, and insane hormones, it can hit different. This was the hardest period of my life, and cleaning up poop doesn’t even factor into it. I don’t want to get too personal about it here though. Suffice to say it’s not your experience.
A lot of moms manage to bask in the glow the baby and easily transition to motherhood/having additional babies but it’s not all of us. Our own personalities and how we react to pregnancy comes into it quite a bit. Chill people become chill parents, if everything goes well at least. And they are more likely to have chill kids, too! Neurotic people have kids, too, and they need to adjust to parenthood and adjust their personalities at the same time which is no easy feat.
Now I am going to say an annoying stereotype that I hate to admit has played out over and over in my at this point vast experience with little kids. When we are talking about kids under 4, girls tend to be easier than boys. Now, many kids don’t conform to this stereotype and babies are babies. It just doesn’t surprise me as much that you have 3 girls and can comfortably write this.
So, while this isn’t my experience I acknowledge that everyone has their own parenting journey and for some it’s amazing from the get-go and we need more stories about that! For those of you where it’s not like this - hang in there, it’s absolutely worth it even when it’s not easy.
New dad here—I was so worried about becoming a parent because of all the unsolicited negativity, but it’s brought a new depth to life that I do not think can be experienced by anything else.
I am lucky that a few friends had kids a year or two before us. I noticed that they never complained about it. So many people do.
It seems like complaining about parenthood is a weird cultural baseline, in the same way that answering, “Busy,” is when asked how you’re doing.
It feels clear to me that we are made to have children. I don’t know why you’d be a loud naysayer of it to others if you’re a parent, or why you’d keep telling new parents that the worst is around the corner. There is nothing profound in life that doesn’t require hard work. Anyway, in my opinion, it seems like anyone expecting just has a lot to look forward to. 🤷🏻♂️
The very worst thing about the era I grew up in is the negative attitude toward children and having a family. It's a real cultural sickness.
Either way, congratulations, and enjoy the ride. Our lives have been deeply enriched by the best random surprises and the most beautiful little moments ever since we've had them. There will be tough moments, but you're an adult, which means you can handle them.
Okay, interesting timing for me to read this. We have three also(4, 2, and 3 weeks). I agree having kids is the best thing ever. I think it’s incredibly hard and taxing especially when both parents are working but nothing is better. The adjustment from 2-3 has been incredibly smooth. I totally agree that attitude is so much of the journey.
I do have some resentment as I read, having not slept more than 90 mins straight for the last few weeks, mentally tapped and physically sore from breastfeeding on demand. And the iron man example sounded brutal, but my exhaustion wants me to be like… try childbirth 😂
Congrats on the third! Three girls is incredible!
I hope many more people experience the joy that is children!
My wife and I have talked about the endurance race vs childbirth comparison a bunch, she actually said she found doing a half marathon harder than birth (natural home birth too), but obviously experiences vary
That’s amazing! I’ve been thinking about my marathon vs. birth and do recall my 20 mile training run to be similar 😂
Banger. Was just thinking the other day about how the terrible twos feels like a lie now. But not bold enough to write this because I still have one 😂. So thanks for writing it. Feel very similar.
JUST YOU WAIT!!!
Glad it resonated man ❤️
I think you could probably sell a book called The Amusing Struggle and pivot to dad influencer
I’ve honestly debated doing more dad content. Will think on it…
Hah I’m overall positive about my two girls but having two sometimes really get on my nerve hahaha the fighting and complaining among themselves. But well it’s still very minor
Great article. I'm 79. I was terrified to have kids. My father was not a good role model or so it seemed those many years ago. I say seemed because my sister has 4 kids and they've turned out quite well. Anyway, I got married twice. Both wives had one child. The first I knew since she was 3. I figured that was good enough. Then 18 years ago my second wife's daughter had a baby boy. Thankfully she's let me be a part of his life. It's only been in this time that I've figured out that as long as I was able to love him and care for him that all of my fears of being a lousy father didn't mean anything. A major life regret that I didn't experience that joy you've written about. As someone said "Feel the fear...and do it anyway"
I relate to/agree with most of this as a new parent. I also know we’ve been extremely lucky though.
I would bet most parenting stress in the US comes from financial pressure (and the insane cost of childcare). Those are real issues. I think it’s a pretty different experience when you’re just trying to get by.
Not hating at all btw. Love the sentiment overall and agree we need more positive dialogue around parenting.
It’s WAY harder without money, as are most things. That’s exactly my point.
Nothing better than having kids — I’ve been writing about this for years — but it was very exhausting. If I haven’t been clear, it’s not so much hard because of the kids but because we make it so incredibly hard economically.
The part where you point out that to parents who 'get it' the complaining is more like telling someone a really funny story.... that's so true! As a mom of 2 under 2 boys, I remember telling my husband my success at capturing spit up, pee, and poop on the changing table in between multiple diapers at a 2 or 3 am change without getting the onesie dirty... someone without kids may view that as a horrifying tale, but for me it was a complete laugh.
Hahaha I can completely relate. Especially when I risk it by changing them on the bed or couch
This is great to see a dad happy to be a dad. That said, you can't possibly know what a woman's experience is -- particularly the physical aspects that last for years (especially with extended breastfeeding). And while it seems your wife is quite happy with the situation she's in, not all of us are so supported.
If indeed you are the "primary parent" for your toddlers, you also have the support of your wife. Many women are the primary parent with little to no support otherwise. Given we were hunter-gatherers for 95% of human history, we're wired for a village - in some cases having 10 adults for every 1 child, not 1-3+ kids per one mother, as often happens in modern families.
In my case, I had no support from family whatsoever - then experienced a massive betrayal that harmed my son, when pregnant with my second - so I had to cut contact. I had PTSD after my first birth, worsened after my second. I slept 3-5 hours per night, had multiple panic attacks a week (sometimes a day), handled childcare 24/7, and was shocked by how uninvolved my husband was, when he was the one pushing for kids to begin with. If I hadn't been overwhelmed with panic, and had a lifetime of social anxiety + people pleasing to overcome, sure I would have communicated more -- but I didn't have those skills at that time.
This isn't a bad attitude. This is a collection of crap that broke my nervous system, mind, and heart, making what I'd hoped would be a joyful time into a total nightmare. My oldest is 8 and I'm still recovering.
Yes, I learned many things - I now do research on the nervous system and know myself better than I ever have. I've slowly become able to communicate my needs better to my husband. I've made a handful of friends that occasionally do provide help.
And, being a mom with little support is still extremely hard.
Men can’t grasp the absolute hormonal and bodily anarchy that can happen to moms after giving birth. And certainly, many women can weather it well… but it’s not all of us. I had crippling anxiety after giving birth, which made everything hard, even when it could have been “easy.” I love being a parent and don’t want to scare anyone, especially because for most people this is temporary (hormones play a big role I think). But the reality when you are pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding the baby is just different.
Absolutely. If we lived in a culture that centered mothers and children, I'm sure most of us would have a much better time with it. It should ideally be a joyful time, for the benefit of everyone.